Welcome to week 1 of the AGP Marriage Series! A series diving into what life looks like after the wedding day. This week I will explain the Five Love Languages and we will hear from a few people on how this applies in their marriage.
First things first--the Five Love Languages. These are in no particular order and are all of equal importance. No one love language is 'better' than another. Each individual experiences love in various ways; in a partnership it is important to be aware of the ways in which you feel most loved and also the way in which your spouse feels most loved. The following information has been taken from parts of The Personality Cafe, With an Open Heart, and The 5 Love Languages.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Contrary to the popular adage, actions do not always speak louder than words. For the person with the 'words of affirmation' love language, hearing encouraging words and compliments from those they love means everything to them. Hearing, “I respect you” or “I appreciate you for all that you do” feels affirming, special, and important. Negative words, harsh criticism, and insulting phrases can leave this person feeling broken and hurt.
Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.
Encouraging words are important: “encourage” means “to inspire courage”. All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, which often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to achieve. Perhaps you or your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be uncovered through encouraging words from the significant other.
Humble & kind words: true love allows for requests, not demands. In marriage we are equal partners. If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each others' desires. If we make our needs known in the form of a request, we are providing guidance, not ultimatums.
If this is your spouse’s love language: Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for a month. Start small: know that each compliment has much weight for them.
ACTS OF SERVICE
Acts of Service are typically the little things that you can do to help ease the burden of responsibility from someone else. For instance, if your spouses' love language is 'acts of service', and he/she is overwhelmed with the week's work/life schedule, helping them relieve a few duties would be of the essence. Offer to pick the kids up from school, walk the dog, do the grocery shopping, cook dinner, or draw them a bath--these are all “acts of service” which you can do to help them feel loved. Directly asking them, “what can I do to help” or “please let me do that for you” are all ways you can express this love language. It is about doing things for others out of the simple goodness of your heart.
If this is your spouse’s love language: What one act of service has your spouse asked for consistently? Why not decide to see the nag as a tag? Your spouse is tagging this particular task as a really important thing to him or her.
RECEIVING GIFTS
This love language is often mistaken as simply being materialistic, but it is not. “Gifts” don’t have to be expensive or something bought with money. Rather a simple gift that simply tells the person you have been thinking about themis what makes them feel loved. It’s the effort, the thoughtfulness, and the gesture in itself that makes them feel deeply loved and cared for. Forgetting a birthday or anniversary or receiving a thoughtless gift will make this person feel neglected. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” A gift is a symbol of that thought. Some are expensive and others are free.
If this is your spouse’s love language: Keep a “gift idea” notebook. Every time you hear your spouse say, “I really like that,” write it down. Select gifts you feel comfortable purchasing, making or finding, and try not to wait for a special occasion.
QUALITY TIME
For some, nothing shows love more than quality time with others. This includes showing full and undivided attention from outside activities such as T.V. chores, or other tasks. This is about being fully present with one another. As Gary Chapman states, “Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether its spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.”
Taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and making eye contact while deep in conversation can be powerful. Time is a strong communicator of love. A relationship calls for empathetic listening; seeking for understanding about the other person’s desires.
If this is your spouse’s love language: Ask your partner for a list of five activities that they would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next few months.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary love language is Physical Touch loves to give and receive hugs and wants to feel physically close to those they love. This person will not only hug others, but will also enjoy holding hands, making love, and will gently pat you on the back and touch your arm while communicating. Further, they will feel loved when others express the same type of appropriate physical touch with them. Appropriate touch will communicate feelings of warmth, love, and safety. In contrast, physical abuse or the lack of receiving physical touch will leave them feeling unloved and unsafe.
Physical presence and accessibility are crucial. With it, they feel secure in their partner’s love. “Love touches” do not take much time, but they do require thought, especially if this is not your primary love language or you did not grow up in a “hugging/touchy” family. Sitting close to each other as you watch TV requires no additional time, but communicates your love loudly. Touching each other when you leave the house and when you return may involve only a brief kiss, but speaks volumes.
If this is your spouse’s love language: While eating together let your knee or foot drift over and touch your partner. Hold hands while walking. Hug them often.
Now that you have a better understanding of what the Five Love Languages encompass, you can understand the rest of this post. If you still are not sure what your love language is, I would recommend taking this quiz or diving deep into the Five Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. The book talks about each love language in depth and gives specific examples of how to love someone using their specific love language. I promise it will not disappoint!
It is so important to understand what your Love Language is and what your spouses' is because if you try to love them in what YOUR Love Language is instead of what THEIR Love language is you will miss each other. Your spouse most likely has a different Love Language than you so you experience love in different ways. For example, my Love Language is Physical Touch and Kevin's Love Language is Words of Affirmation. Earlier on in our marriage, and sometimes still, I will cuddle up with Kevin and give him hugs to make him feel loved and feel close to him. But in reality, that is how I feel loved not how HE experiences love. If I was to affirm him on how well he is doing for something at work, or tell him how much I respect him for working with high school students at our church: those instances make him feel loved. This is HUGE in marriage!! Understanding how to care and love your spouse is one of the foundations of marriage. It is definitely possible to have 2 or 3 Love Languages but there is normally one Love Language in which you feel the MOST loved by your spouse.
Now let's hear from a few other people and how the Five Love Languages take affect in their marriages!
CLINT & JESS
What is your love language?
Physical Touch! I feel most loved by Clint when we can just be together. After a long day at work I love to come home and fall into my husbands arms. It helps me to recoup and take a deep breath.
What is your spouse's love language?
Clint's love language is Words of Affirmation. My words are very powerful and I can either use them to affirm or destroy. Clint feels most loved by me when he knows that I respect him and am proud of him.
What is your favorite memory with your spouse since you have been married?
There have been LOTS of favorite memories. Since Clint and I were long distance for two years and did not live together before we were married, I think that my favorite memories are when we get to just be in our home together, relaxing, dancing, watching TV. It does not really matter what we are doing it is just a gift that we get to live life together.
What is one piece of advice you would give to a newly married couple on how to love your spouse each day?
One piece of advice I would give is to just ask. I think we spend so much time guessing how to love one another and failing, when it is simple enough to learn exactly how they feel loved and replicate that each day. Ask, pay attention, truly listen, and then do it and then continue to give your spouse grace when they mess up.
THE LANE FAMILY
What is your Love Language?
My love language is Acts of Service and Quality Time! I feel most loved when he thinks of me in the small things - bringing me water, making me a snack, picking up stuff at Costco for me or taking out the trash or fixing something when I ask him to. I also feel love when he asks me out on a date and takes me out even if its just for coffee or on a long walk somewhere. A new way I am feeling loved since the birth of our son is when he watches the baby so I can have some 'me time' to go to the gym or Target by myself.
What is your spouse's Love Language?
Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch are my husbands love languages! He feels most loved by me when I take the time to hug and kiss him before leaving to go somewhere & tell him I love him. Any hugging & kissing makes him feel loved! I am not one to really talk about him just to talk but I have started to try to affirm him and honor him with more words when we are in front of people or in public. I want people to know I respect him and I know it makes him feel good when I brag on him and give him praise for how great a husband he is to me!
What is your favorite memory with your spouse since you have been married?
Many of my favorite memories have to do with when we 'get away' together and go to Corolla, NC or Manteo, NC and just spend time relaxing on the beach and enjoying time together. We went there for our honeymoon, many weekends to just get away, and most recently our baby-moon. One day we will go away when the baby is a bit older and I can't wait!
What is one piece of advice you would give to a newly married couple on how to love your spouse each day?
It seems me and my husbands love languages are completely different. I think this is God's way of helping me learn that its not about me and doing what comes easy. I have to work at loving my husband how he needs to be loved, I have to make it a priority and remind myself because it doesn't always come naturally to me! It feels so great to bless your spouse and make their day.. so if you know how then why wouldn't you? And if you don't know how, make it your goal to find out! Our goal should be getting to know what your spouse needs and trying to do that even when its not what WE would necessarily want!
ANDREW & KELLY
What is your love language?
I identify most with the love languages of Quality Time and Physical Touch. Spending time together, free from distractions of technology or getting things done, makes me feel loved by Andrew. I feel loved even more when that quality time is paired with cuddling or simply holding hands!
What is your spouse's love language?
Andrew's love language is Acts of Service. He feels most loved by me when I am taking responsibility of getting things done around the house, as well as when I more consciously do something for him that I know will brighten his mood.
What is your favorite memory with your spouse since you have been married?
One memory I really enjoyed was an evening we spent at a coffee shop here in Houston. We sat on a couch and sipped some tea while talking and dreaming about what we want our lifestyle and marriage to look like in a couple years, a few years beyond that, and even farther down the road. We weren't making a detailed 5-year plan at all, but setting some realistic goals that reflect what kind of life we want to be living together. It made me really excited to see how God will continue to work in our marriage and what He'll do through us in the future, and it was wonderful quality time spent together!
What is one piece of advice you would give to a newly married couple on how to love your spouse each day?
Learning your spouse's Love Language may be more important than you think! It may feel silly labeling it like that, but it's important to know what really makes your spouse feel loved, especially if it's in a different way than how you feel loved by your spouse. That was a struggle for me at first, since I was thinking that spending quality time with Andrew was more important than making sure the dishes were done, when in reality, he couldn't focus on enjoying time together until everything in the house was in order. Have an honest conversation with your spouse about what makes him/her feel loved, and continue that conversation as you grow closer and learn more about yourselves!
I hope you enjoyed the first AGP Marriage Series! I am excited for the next few weeks of posts. I pray they inspire you to go deeper in your marriage and explore love more deeply.