One common theme that has been weaved throughout this marriage series is healthy communication. This is the foundation of a healthy marriage. Today's post is about how to navigate the hard conversations. Making big decisions about where to live, buying a house, having kids, and job changes can be hard conversations to have with your spouse. It can also be tough if one person feels very strongly towards one decision and the other spouse feels strongly in a different direction. What do you do if this is the case?
Kevin and I went through a lot of change last year. We both left our jobs to pursue jobs we were more passionate about. Navigating leaving our jobs was tough on our marriage financially, but we knew that it would bring more joy to be at jobs that we loved. Navigating the conversation of me leaving Blue Ocean Ideas and Kevin leaving his job at AbellTech involved listening to each others needs and desires. Having patience with each other, praying for wisdom, and taking time to make the decisions. I think allowing time for hard conversations is very important. The last thing you want to do is make a hasty decision with no deep thought behind it. Especially when the decision will affect both you and your spouse. I love the quote below and the truth that i speaks.
Four years ago, I was ready to be married before Kevin was. I knew that I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him after two years of dating. He knew he wanted to marry me, but he wanted to enjoy dating in the same town before we got engaged. Kevin ended up moving to Baltimore after three years of dating and we dated for a year living in the same city. That year was hard for me not being engaged because all my friends were getting married including my younger brother. God was teaching me patience and to trust in His perfect timing. God's timing is ALWAYS better than our own. Kevin not being ready to get married when I was caused us to lean deeper into God and into our relationship with each other.
Kevin proposed after living with my parents for a year and we were married four months later! The celebration was incredible because of the waiting and trusting God's timing. Through waiting to be married those two years, God taught me that marriage is about two people becoming one. Compromise and the ebb and flow of waiting for each other and doing life together. There can be pain when both people aren't ready for a life decision at the same time, but there is also beauty in it. God is always teaching us things through our marriage. Embrace the differences and be patient with each other.
Now let's hear from a few other couples on their thoughts on navigating tough conversations with your spouse!
ALEX & LIZ
How long have you been married?
2.5 years
If you don't have any kids, has there been a move, deciding to get a pet, buying a house, job change, or other big situation that you needed to agree on together? How did you navigate this time?
After our first year of marriage my husband's job moved us to a different city. It was interesting navigating the situation and it was our first big decision we made together. We trusted in the Lord and knew that he had a big plan for us in our new city and we took our first big step together as a married couple. We also trusted each other and knew that the decision we made was done together and in a way that was most honoring to the Lord.
How did you navigate the conversation of where to live after you got married? Did you or your spouse need to compromise or make sacrifices for this decision?
After we got married Alex's job took us to Charlottesville, Virginia. It wasn't really until our second year of marriage we needed to talk about where we would move to after that.
What is one piece of advice you would give to newlyweds for future planning? Deciding where to live, having kids, etc?
One piece of advice I would get to newlyweds would be to just have fun together. You have plenty of time to start a family in any career and it's just a joy to be with one another in that season of life.
What are some of your hopes and dreams for the future together?
We hope to start a family here in the next couple years and both continue to serve in the ministry of young life.
MORGAN & LAUREN
How long have you been married?
5 years this June
If you don't have any kids, has there been a move, deciding to get a pet, buying a house, job change, or other big situation that you needed to agree on together? How did you navigate this time?
We bought our first home after a year of marriage. Until then, we had just rented. It was definitely a big decision because we knew it was the house we'd be in for a while. We also got a dog our first year of marriage! Both of those decisions came surprisingly easy. It wasn't until I decided to go to LA not once, not twice, but three times that we had to do major planning for. It was something we each prayed about, but the decision took a while.
Have you been ready for a big life change before your spouse or vice-versa? If so, how did you navigate this together?
Yes, we are on the same page with most things, but there are some major decisions we disagreed on in the beginning. It takes time, prayer, andCOMMUNICATION. It can't be only one person making all the decisions while the other does all the sacrificing. You have to work together and meet in the middle.
What is one piece of advice you would give to newlyweds for future planning? Deciding where to live, having kids, etc?
Don't assume anything. Our biggest arguments came from lack of conversation. If you bring something up calmly to the other person, it can eliminate a lot of unnecessary fighting and hurt feelings. This applies to any and all decisions.
How did you navigate the conversation of where to live after you got married? Did you or your spouse need to compromise or make sacrifices for this decision?
His job took care of that for us. But my job caused some major decision-making for our time off. It isn't easy traveling across the country when we could be at home with our family in TN, but that's just one of those tough decisions you have to talk through and decide on together. We both make sacrifices for each other at different times.
What are some of your hopes and dreams for the future together?
Kids one day! A healthy career for him and a growth in career for me. We want to be able to work together to provide a strong family lifestyle that somehow works with our jobs. Family first though!
THE GOOD FAMILY
How long have you been married?
7 years
Do you have any kids? If so, how old are they?
Brooks, 2 years old
Baby Boy #2 due Feb 29th
If you have kids, when did you decide together that it was the right time to start trying? Or was it unplanned?
We had been talking about starting to try in a couple of months, but ultimately the first was a surprise.
Have you been ready for a big life change before your spouse or vice-versa? If so, how did you navigate this together?
We are definitely a couple that enjoys change and welcomes it into our relationship. We both have had multiple job changes, moved, bought rental properties and had kids all in a few short years. I think that most important thing that we have found is that you completely trust the other to have your best interest in mind when making a big decision.
What is one piece of advice you would give to newlyweds for future planning? Deciding where to live, having kids, etc?
Always remember that your plan will most likely change and to be flexible. That is not to say to not plan anything, but both people need to be flexible with their expectations and their plans.
How did you navigate the conversation of where to live after you got married? Did you or your spouse need to compromise or make sacrifices for this decision?
In our case, we got married right after college. With my career, I was able to be very flexible with where we lived so Matt found a job first. However, I did have some preference on where we lived and Matt had to compromise his job choices based on some places I definitely did not want to live. However, with allowing him to make a decision to start a job away from our home town, I was able to grow myself and we were able to grow as a couple in ways we never would have thought.
What are some of your hopes and dreams for the future together?
Our hope is that we can continue to make our marriage our number one priority while raising happy and healthy children. Our biggest hope is that we have a family that does life together, love being together and enjoys each other's company. We hope our marriage is one that our children look to as an example.
Be encouraged and have those tough conversations. Allow for time, space, and grace.